Luz y obscuridad

Desde el descubrimiento del fuego, la humanidad ha hecho un gran esfuerzo por mantenerse en zonas iluminadas. A casi todos los niños pequeños les da miedo la obscuridad, y parece ser que los grandes no lo han superado completamente, de no ser así, ¿Para qué molestarse en poner lámparas por todos lados?

En una casa en donde no falta el dinero, los focos abundan, no importa que tan caro salga el recibo eléctrico, pues parece que mantenerse iluminado no es un lujo, si no una necesidad, pero ¿Por qué?

En casi todas las culturas antiguas (si no es que en todas) existe una divinidad solar, y la luz adquiere un significado sagrado, cálido, mientras que la obscuridad representa el abandono, peligro, frío, inhumano.

¿De donde sale éste miedo a la obscuridad? ¿Por qué cuando se va la luz nos ponemos nerviosos? ¿Por qué los eclipses alteran a casi todos?

About reliability

New thoughts comming today, just waiting to write them.

2nd conversation (November 13th 2004)

-Akari: You shouldn't waste everything your dad's given you just because you don't belive in yourself. Think in the poeple arround you, don't be so selfish, at least you should wait to winter
holliday to think.

-Watashi: Just wait a second! Why would it be a waste at all? Don't you think I've used, I mean I use everything I've got at hand in order to try to suceed? In order to dind my way in life? How com could it be a waste if everything has become part of me?

-Akari: I don't know how can you complain! You've got everything you need, anything else is vain, Is ther something missing, preventing you to say you're happy? Something as necesary to daresay you're unhappy?

-Watashi: Now you're asking, there's one. I have no motive behind my life.

-Akari: Here you have a reason I belive it's valid, at least to me. If you don't, then you don't case about those litle details god gave you: There's people who loves you and cares about you, which expects from you, and avobe all, you have yourself, someone who has proved in many ways to me inteligent, a thinking being, with qualities and capable to go through any adversity. Someone who knows to love and give himself to love. You have health, a "happy" envirionment even tough those litle potholes wich help you to grow as a person.

-Watashi: Well, you got me there, for I can's say anything against that. I can't complain at any of the things you just said. Yet, I've been thinking thickly and maybe that's the reason for it to fail.

I can't say at all I have everything, though I've lived comfortable, but ther's something i've been missing since I became aware of it last year's summer: My deepest will is gone: the will to live.
Just as I have already said, I've had victories and defeats along my lfe, I don't thing I'm different from anyone else, but someday about last year I became aware of that flaw in my life.

-Watashi: I know there are some who love me, to my horror, they expect things from me. I think it's actually painful to face the danger of leting someone you love and who cares about you to try to fullfill your lovedones expectarions and make them feel good, proud of you, happy.

I know that's the downside of it, but I can't help facing it, since I've been working to improve my self awareness. I've been thinking as well thet my main reason must come internally, not from outside, Ive got to be convinced for an from within me, because that's my life we're talking about you know? So, I can also tell that I can't fool myself. I already tried but found that it doesn't last enough as much as to keep my hopes high. It's tather more like closing your eyes and keep walking to avoid both stoping at all and to look at what wou don't like, and I don't want to live that way.

- Watashi: I don't know how I came to this, but I can't find a way out. I know I need help and don't want any. I also know this might be just an illution, that everything's a fake and that I have the answer right in front of my eyes (most probabily). What would I give not to be at the bottom of this pit? Not to be myself? I'm not quite sure, yet, I'ven't dared to walk the way I've already thought of.

-Akari: What do you mean by that?

-Watashi: Well, I'd rather not tel since I do love you, but then I know you care about me and one of your expecations is trust, from me to you, so I'm not leting you down, though I'd rather like to share something happy with you. So, to start, what is honor? Am I bound to my loved ones expectations?

-Akari: No! Of course you're not!

-Watashi: So, why to bother at all with it? Why not to do what you'd rather do?

-Akari: Well, you've already told it: to keep your loved ones happy, or as happy as they could ever be about you.

-Watashi: What would you say someone who would rather hurt himself than leting his loved ones down?

-Akari: A fool? I don't know, I think it's something like being un-selfish, like anti-selfishness. But I don't know, puting others before yourself? I daresay there's no much people like that.

-Watashi: Well, yeah, you got to the point, there aren't many like that you know?

-Akari: Yeap, I've realized that, tell me something I don't know!

-Watashi: Something you don't know huh? Well now! It's rather painful, but you probabily already knew that don't you? Well, just as you say, sometimes you feel like a fool, you're used, made feel empty, sick, annoyed, alienated, etc. but it's rather unusual though. It's more like I just said: You'll end hurting yourself, and many times unnecesarely.

-Akari: Yeah, well, I'd rather let someone else do the hurting. And that's if you're brave enough to face some pain, 'cause most hide inside their shell of mask. Why would someone wouldn't avoid some pain at all?

-Watashi: There are many ways to answer that you know?
+ What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
+ there's no black without white: If you block the pain, you'll me blocking the pleasure.
+ When someone cares about you, (s)he won't be looking forward to hurt you.
+ When you don't care about someone, most of the time (s)he won't be able to hurt you.
+ Most of the time, we let our fears overcome reality, so, it's very weird that your fears come true.
Would you like me to add some more?

-Akari: That's something very few people come to think.

-Watashi: Tell me about it! How do youthink do I feel sitting here, in this loud party geting my ears smashed, where I know very few, don't know the music and writing to you? Everyone else is dancing, drinking, sitting, etc, but no one is writing like me. I'm rather alone, and not just by this, there are many things I differ...

-Akari: Thati's it! You ought to know that's another reason, one of those wich I was saying: You're special!

-Watashi: What? All right, what do you mean?

-Akari: Oh don't be thick! I mean those things you're talking about! Each and every thing that makes you different than everyone else. You're unique, irreplaceable.

-Watashi: Well, yeah! Everyone is isn't it? I think something valuable is not so common, but why do you say I'm valuable if everyone is unique and special, What makes me different than the others then? I'd rather say in that case that under those circumstances I'me no different at all, so, why to bother?

-Akari: You got the wrong side! You forgot the keyword: Irrepaceable. There might be someone like you, he may look somewhat like you, think similar to you, even sare some ideas and behabior, yet, you are you. It will never be someone exactly like you, someone I care just like I care about you, someone who make me feel like you do.

-Watashi: So, we already got there haven't we? Is it... don't be offended by this please, but... is it just subjetive measuring? Is it just because you feel that way? Is it would you say, that god is not general, universal, it's particular and specific?

-Akari: Who's talking about god?

-Watashi: Didn't wou just mentioned god giving me gifts?

-Akari: Right! Yu're special because god made you, He putted atention on you, through his divinity you came into existence, therefo--

-Watashi: I... I don't think of god that way.

-Akari: Let's think of it some way different shall we?

-Watashi: Chaos theory! How would you define it through that?

-Akari: Well, I'm not sure how to say it, what do you think of this?: The circumstances in wich you were born and grew will never EVER! be the same again, yet...

-Watashi: That's exactly what I mean! Everyone has those characteristics, so what? That's not what I'd call special....

-Akari: Don't worry, we'll sort it out somehow.

-Watashi: So, anyway, why would being "special" be a reason to keep living?

-Akari: If, like you say, god expresses through you, then killing yourself would be like killing god, not that god can die, but it's sacrilege.

-Watashi: Going a litle back, am I bound to anybody else efforts? Should I sacrifice myself, my time, energy, life, etc to please someone else than myself?

-Akari: Why do you ask me a question you know how I'm going to answer?

-Watashi: Because I want you to think of it, not you to tell me with answers based on the way you are, but answers based on your reasoning.

-Akari: All right then, let me think. Mmmm .... No.

-Watashi: Why not?

-Akari: 'Cause the first thing over all is the unit. Everything starts with that number, then, as it evolves, it gets more things, but if something should remain it's that unit's basics.

-Watashi: And what is that?

-Akari: Everything is local in a unit. A desire, action, etc. When there's only one, there are no boundaries and there's only one will. So, I thing you should be at first loyal to you. Then and only then, do the things everybody else wants.

Ningen

Thoughts about human

Emotions are said to be human's, yet, what is human?
Acording to a dictionary, it's something related to mankind, though, it doesn't go further than that. Are emotions defined by people, or people defined by emotions? But wait! Not all human has feelings, nor feelings are characteristic to us. There are other creatures who are able to feel emotions, most of them mamals, so there can't be just that.

Would it be learning hability then? As far as I know, ANY living creature has the hability to learn, even the smallest needs to do it in order to survive. There can't be reflexes even, because this universe is based under cause and efect rules.

Reason itself, cannot be, since a good programed computer could take desitions and give arguments. It turns out that it has to be all mixed up, both feelings and thoughts to become humans, yet there's something odd about it, as many claim we're better than animals because "we can think and they don't", but there's an old saying that states: "emotion kills reason", so , where did the superiority goes if we can't manage to keep under control then? If a person sustained heavy brain damage and can't have feelings is he/she still human?

If, like they say, there are living creatures wich can't feel nor think at the bottom (of the list), then the animal kingdom, wich can feel emotions and on top of that there's human kind, wich can also think, we see that there's some kind of advance in species, though nobody could claim mankind has an even quantity of wits and heart. Is the future of our kind to overcome our emotional bonds? If superiority comes by the reasoning power, what will it be the future of our feelings? Some say feelings are humanity's bigest strength and weakness.

So, keeping that way, about superiority and power, what is god?
Every culture has one or more gods, yet in all of them, gods are far superior than humans, further more, they're inmortal.
What makes a god god?
Invincivility?
Inmortality?
Perfection?

All gods are divine, yet, what is divinity?
Are gods perfect?
What is perfection?
Is it something within humanity's reach?
Is perfection divine?
Does perfection includes emotions?
Aren't emotions imperfect?
Do the gods feel emotions?
If all god's actions are divine, how come we're not?: If we are a perfect god's creation, how come we're not perfect?

Kaiwa 1: Tatakai ni watashi wo jibun

(Una batalla dialéctica conmigo mismo)

- Doushite? ¿Por qué hago lo que hago?

- No seas idiota! Haces lo q haces y lo sigues haciendo por inercia, si no por convicción propia.

- ¿Porqué cuando lo he pensado, nunca he llegado a una conclusión satisfactorioa? ¿Porqué si pensar me hace sentir mal, lo sigo haciendo?

- Nunca te has puesto a pensar seria y disciplinadamente.

- ¿Por qué sigo viviendo?

- No tienes la convicción de querer morir.

- ¿Por qué continúo?

- Porque te da miedo el fracaso.

- ¿Por qué soy quien soy? ¿Por qué no puedo ser alguien más? ¿Por qué no puedo encontrarle un sentido?

- Porque tu eres tu, siempre lo seguirás siendo, aún cuando el tiempo cambie y tú también. ¿Si fueras alguien más estarías pensando esto? ¿Lo habrías pensado ya? Haberlo pensado es ya de por sí un gran logro, ahora ¡sal de tu agujero idiota!

- ¿Por qué estoy tan limitado?

- Tus limitaciones no son mas que el resultado conjunto de tus desiciones, cada vez que escojes hacer algo, dejas de hacer otras cosas y esto es lo que te va haciendo se lo y como eres.

- ¿Por qué mi excusa es “se me olvidó”?

- Has visto que te funciona ¿no? Si ta te diste cuenta ahora ¡corrígelo! Deja de dormir tanto, no tomes baños de cuatro horas. ¡Piensa! No huyas, puede ser doloroso, incluso peligroso, pero es bueno para ti. De todos modos por más que lo intentes no lo vas a poder olvidar.

- Pero, ¿Por qué si pensar me pone así, sigo intentándolo?

- Debe haber una buena razón. Piénsalo, dime tú, que eres quien está en esa situación. ¿O es que ya no quieres pensar?

- Ya lo he pensado. Hay mucha gente que no piensa. Vive su vida sin analizar las cosas, eventos, situaciones, etc. Su crecimiento está severamente disminuido por esto mismo. Así es como yo decidí no ser como “ellos”, que parecen simples vacas, rumiando las emociones que les producen sus recuerdos, la vida les pasa de largo, como una roca en medio de un río, no se dan cuenta de ello.

- ¿O sea que es tu miedo a ser una vaca inconsciente?

- No. Es por mi negativa a dejar que la vida, las circunstancias y otras personas tomen las decisiones que me corresponden a mí.

- Y entonces ¿Qué estás haciendo en ese agujero imbécil?
¿No que quieres tomar en tus manos tu destino?
¿No te das cuenta de que no puedes detener el tiempo, que cuando te aíslas de esa manera te estás poniendo la soga al cuello?
¿Es que acaso el peso de tus decisiones y responsabilidades es demasiado para ti?

- Por supuesto que me he dado cuenta. Esto no es sino un problema recurrente.... es vergonzoso, humillante no haberlo podido resolver antes y estar atorado con él ahora.

Sin embargo, es algo que vale la pena hacer, si no es ahora, ¿Cuándo? ¿cuándo sea un anciano y las decisiones que tome no tengan ya efecto? ¿Para qué, si eso ya no sirve? No me había detenido a pensarlo: ¡Somos los jóvenes quienes necesitamos la mayor destreza, juicio, conocimiento y valentía, pues nuestras vidas futuras, que incluyen hasta el momento de tu muerte, sea un instante o un siglo después, se verán afectadas por ello!

Si por falta de valor no le entraste a algo que podías haber hecho, se reflejará en ti y yodos los que dependan de ti de ahora en adelante. No es que no pueda ser corregido pero... ¿Acaso tú no dirías que tus circunstancias futuras y las de los que dependen de ti son un gran peso? Es el peso de la responsabilidad.

- Y entonces ¿Por qué sigues allí, escondido, evitando a todo y a todos?

- Porque no me quiero equivocar. Tengo miedo del fracaso, como tú ya lo has dicho, de no llenar las expectativas de los que me rodean y que por eso me dejen de querer y me desprecien y se alejen de mi. Eso es lo que más me pesa: la condicionalidad del afecto. Por ejemplo en mi familia inmediata: mi papá. Si repruebo me quiere menos que si no, si me gradúo me quiere más, y si me titulo me quiere mucho mucho más.

O de mis hermanas el respeto, o de mis tíos el orgullo. No debería ser así, es un lazo de control que lastima; por mas que piense, mis emociones continúan siendo reactivas, no he aprendido a querer a alguien solo porque sí, por la simple decisión de querer hacerlo.

¿En qué momento una habilidad, una capacidad se convierte en una responsabilidad/obligación? Sólo porque puedo, ¿Debo?
Si puedo pensar, ¿Debo hacerlo?
Si puedo decidir, ¿Debo?
Si puedo hacer el bien o el mal, ¿Cuál escojo?

- Usa tu juicio. Fuiste educado de manera que pudieras tomar decisiones, por supuesto, éstas decisiones no son más que respuestas condicionadas ante estímulos tales como ideas preconcebidas y prejuicios, costumbres sociales, manera de percibir la vida y sus circunstancias, motivaciones personales, sentimientos, experiencias anteriores, etc.

- ¿Cómo funciona el juicio? ¿Bajo que condiciones puedo llegar a una conclusión completamente satisfactoria? Si siento que mi juicio me está llevando a una conclusión incorrecta, ¿Cómo puedo confiar en las otras, en las demás?, como por ejemplo no hacer nada o escoger un parche temporal, si, como tu dices, estoy condicionado, ¿Qué puedo hacer para poder tomar una decisión correcta dentro de MIS parámetros?

- Debes buscar elementos que te puedan ayudar a asentar tu convicción, a reforzar tus motivaciones.

- Mis motivaciones no me convencen.