2nd conversation (November 13th 2004)

-Akari: You shouldn't waste everything your dad's given you just because you don't belive in yourself. Think in the poeple arround you, don't be so selfish, at least you should wait to winter
holliday to think.

-Watashi: Just wait a second! Why would it be a waste at all? Don't you think I've used, I mean I use everything I've got at hand in order to try to suceed? In order to dind my way in life? How com could it be a waste if everything has become part of me?

-Akari: I don't know how can you complain! You've got everything you need, anything else is vain, Is ther something missing, preventing you to say you're happy? Something as necesary to daresay you're unhappy?

-Watashi: Now you're asking, there's one. I have no motive behind my life.

-Akari: Here you have a reason I belive it's valid, at least to me. If you don't, then you don't case about those litle details god gave you: There's people who loves you and cares about you, which expects from you, and avobe all, you have yourself, someone who has proved in many ways to me inteligent, a thinking being, with qualities and capable to go through any adversity. Someone who knows to love and give himself to love. You have health, a "happy" envirionment even tough those litle potholes wich help you to grow as a person.

-Watashi: Well, you got me there, for I can's say anything against that. I can't complain at any of the things you just said. Yet, I've been thinking thickly and maybe that's the reason for it to fail.

I can't say at all I have everything, though I've lived comfortable, but ther's something i've been missing since I became aware of it last year's summer: My deepest will is gone: the will to live.
Just as I have already said, I've had victories and defeats along my lfe, I don't thing I'm different from anyone else, but someday about last year I became aware of that flaw in my life.

-Watashi: I know there are some who love me, to my horror, they expect things from me. I think it's actually painful to face the danger of leting someone you love and who cares about you to try to fullfill your lovedones expectarions and make them feel good, proud of you, happy.

I know that's the downside of it, but I can't help facing it, since I've been working to improve my self awareness. I've been thinking as well thet my main reason must come internally, not from outside, Ive got to be convinced for an from within me, because that's my life we're talking about you know? So, I can also tell that I can't fool myself. I already tried but found that it doesn't last enough as much as to keep my hopes high. It's tather more like closing your eyes and keep walking to avoid both stoping at all and to look at what wou don't like, and I don't want to live that way.

- Watashi: I don't know how I came to this, but I can't find a way out. I know I need help and don't want any. I also know this might be just an illution, that everything's a fake and that I have the answer right in front of my eyes (most probabily). What would I give not to be at the bottom of this pit? Not to be myself? I'm not quite sure, yet, I'ven't dared to walk the way I've already thought of.

-Akari: What do you mean by that?

-Watashi: Well, I'd rather not tel since I do love you, but then I know you care about me and one of your expecations is trust, from me to you, so I'm not leting you down, though I'd rather like to share something happy with you. So, to start, what is honor? Am I bound to my loved ones expectations?

-Akari: No! Of course you're not!

-Watashi: So, why to bother at all with it? Why not to do what you'd rather do?

-Akari: Well, you've already told it: to keep your loved ones happy, or as happy as they could ever be about you.

-Watashi: What would you say someone who would rather hurt himself than leting his loved ones down?

-Akari: A fool? I don't know, I think it's something like being un-selfish, like anti-selfishness. But I don't know, puting others before yourself? I daresay there's no much people like that.

-Watashi: Well, yeah, you got to the point, there aren't many like that you know?

-Akari: Yeap, I've realized that, tell me something I don't know!

-Watashi: Something you don't know huh? Well now! It's rather painful, but you probabily already knew that don't you? Well, just as you say, sometimes you feel like a fool, you're used, made feel empty, sick, annoyed, alienated, etc. but it's rather unusual though. It's more like I just said: You'll end hurting yourself, and many times unnecesarely.

-Akari: Yeah, well, I'd rather let someone else do the hurting. And that's if you're brave enough to face some pain, 'cause most hide inside their shell of mask. Why would someone wouldn't avoid some pain at all?

-Watashi: There are many ways to answer that you know?
+ What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
+ there's no black without white: If you block the pain, you'll me blocking the pleasure.
+ When someone cares about you, (s)he won't be looking forward to hurt you.
+ When you don't care about someone, most of the time (s)he won't be able to hurt you.
+ Most of the time, we let our fears overcome reality, so, it's very weird that your fears come true.
Would you like me to add some more?

-Akari: That's something very few people come to think.

-Watashi: Tell me about it! How do youthink do I feel sitting here, in this loud party geting my ears smashed, where I know very few, don't know the music and writing to you? Everyone else is dancing, drinking, sitting, etc, but no one is writing like me. I'm rather alone, and not just by this, there are many things I differ...

-Akari: Thati's it! You ought to know that's another reason, one of those wich I was saying: You're special!

-Watashi: What? All right, what do you mean?

-Akari: Oh don't be thick! I mean those things you're talking about! Each and every thing that makes you different than everyone else. You're unique, irreplaceable.

-Watashi: Well, yeah! Everyone is isn't it? I think something valuable is not so common, but why do you say I'm valuable if everyone is unique and special, What makes me different than the others then? I'd rather say in that case that under those circumstances I'me no different at all, so, why to bother?

-Akari: You got the wrong side! You forgot the keyword: Irrepaceable. There might be someone like you, he may look somewhat like you, think similar to you, even sare some ideas and behabior, yet, you are you. It will never be someone exactly like you, someone I care just like I care about you, someone who make me feel like you do.

-Watashi: So, we already got there haven't we? Is it... don't be offended by this please, but... is it just subjetive measuring? Is it just because you feel that way? Is it would you say, that god is not general, universal, it's particular and specific?

-Akari: Who's talking about god?

-Watashi: Didn't wou just mentioned god giving me gifts?

-Akari: Right! Yu're special because god made you, He putted atention on you, through his divinity you came into existence, therefo--

-Watashi: I... I don't think of god that way.

-Akari: Let's think of it some way different shall we?

-Watashi: Chaos theory! How would you define it through that?

-Akari: Well, I'm not sure how to say it, what do you think of this?: The circumstances in wich you were born and grew will never EVER! be the same again, yet...

-Watashi: That's exactly what I mean! Everyone has those characteristics, so what? That's not what I'd call special....

-Akari: Don't worry, we'll sort it out somehow.

-Watashi: So, anyway, why would being "special" be a reason to keep living?

-Akari: If, like you say, god expresses through you, then killing yourself would be like killing god, not that god can die, but it's sacrilege.

-Watashi: Going a litle back, am I bound to anybody else efforts? Should I sacrifice myself, my time, energy, life, etc to please someone else than myself?

-Akari: Why do you ask me a question you know how I'm going to answer?

-Watashi: Because I want you to think of it, not you to tell me with answers based on the way you are, but answers based on your reasoning.

-Akari: All right then, let me think. Mmmm .... No.

-Watashi: Why not?

-Akari: 'Cause the first thing over all is the unit. Everything starts with that number, then, as it evolves, it gets more things, but if something should remain it's that unit's basics.

-Watashi: And what is that?

-Akari: Everything is local in a unit. A desire, action, etc. When there's only one, there are no boundaries and there's only one will. So, I thing you should be at first loyal to you. Then and only then, do the things everybody else wants.